guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
