I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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