I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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