1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
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his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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