Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
