Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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