i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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