woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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