I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
