driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
