i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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