Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
