ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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