I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
