I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
