Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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