this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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