I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
