whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
