does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
