the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
