bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Someone came in the potted fern
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize