Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
