How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
