My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
