Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
