I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
