what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
