your parents love me but you hate me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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