she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
