I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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