so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
