Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
