Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
