its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
