I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
