i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
