Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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