Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
