shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
