I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
