Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
