i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
