a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
