The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
