He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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