I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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