hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
