I faked an abortion last night.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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