Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
