There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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