Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize