"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
