im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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