I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
