My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
