my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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