i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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